Dispatch from the Edge: Week Ending 10/28/11

Posted on October 28, 2011

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By Michael Devlin

Most folks in their eighties have long since given up on hell raising, preferring instead a life of doctor’s appointments, naps, and early bird specials. Not eighty-seven year old Leo Earl Sharp of Michigan City, Indiana.  Last Friday, Michigan police pulled over Sharp for erratic driving and discovered the octogenarian kingpin was hauling 228 lbs of cocaine in his pickup truck. Charged with conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute, Sharp appeared to be suffering from some form of senile dementia, and claimed that he was forced by unknown entities to transport the illicit haul at gunpoint.  He was released on bond by a U.S. Magistrate, and further details of the case are pending.

One might ask himself what demented forces might drive a man of such antiquity to lengths; it may be that poor Mr. Sharp had a terrible childhood.  Two brothers in North Platte, Nebraska, certainly did.  On Monday, police were dispatched to their residence, where they discovered the three and five-year old confined to a dog cage in a trailer redolent of animal feces. The childrens’ mother and three other adults were taken into custody on various charges.

Across the pond in Jolly Old England, things are no less strange.  This week, Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, announced a startling branch in his family tree.  Just in time for Halloween, Charles claims a relation to none other than Vlad the Impaler, the savage Romanian warlord who established his reputation butchering thousands of Ottoman soldiers and leaving their twitching bodies skewered on spikes in the wilds of Transylvania. Vlad became the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and Prince Charles is starting to look pretty undead himself.